Can one make a life changing decision without regret?

A life changing decision can be a terrifying prospect, as “my being provokes anguish to the extent that I distrust myself and my own reactions in that situation” (Sartre, 1943 : 53). Different choices can feel as though they infect the mind and body with indecision, a kind of agony and torture than can exhaust rational thought and lead one to consider existential questions. What is the right choice for me? Will I be overwhelmed by regret? In this essay I will explore existential concerns such as Sartre’s ideas of nothingness, personal responsibility and “anguish in the face of the future” (Sartre, 1943 : 56). Then, I will look at regret and the idea of possibilities and concrete choices. I’ll suggest that making a life changing decision does involve regret, as to pursue one possibility, there is always another possibility that must be abandoned. I will turn to Heinämaa who explores Husserl’s ‘love-values’ and the possibility that we can have empathy towards another’s search for meaning. In conclusion, Sartre’s ideas embrace the possibility of ourselves as free agents, despite the feelings of anguish and regret that are part of the human condition.

When approaching a life changing decision, we can recognise that “I am not the self which I will be…because time separates me from it” plus I don’t know exactly what the foundation of my self will be, “because no actual existent can determine strictly what I am going to be”. So, as “I play with my possibilities” indecision arises and it causes the need for a decision to be made (Sartre, 1943, 55-56). Sartre argues that nothing stands between me making or not making a decision and there is nothing between motives and action (Sartre, 1943, 57-58). This is I face the truth that ‘I exist’ now, as a being with free will, and that “nothingness lies coiled in the heart of being – like a worm” (Sartre, 1943 : 45) until I assign my own meaning. Therefore, “anguish is reflective apprehension of the self” (Sartre, 1943 : 54) as freedom, with awareness that there is nothingness between my self and my past, or my future. We can understand deeply that there is no ‘right answer’ and that there won’t be a divine intervention to save us or make a difficult choice on our behalf. Plus there are no guarantees of the values within our choices, so this reveals to us the absurdity of life. This absurdity being absolute meaninglessness in that personal projects are not externally justified by God, or the universe. This leaves humans free to assign their own meaning.

Once a decision has been made, a possibility becomes manifest, and we become engaged in it. Certainly, I can choose to turn away from the choice, but I would have realised my possibility as, “the consciousness of man in action is non-reflective consciousness (Sartre, 1943 : 60). By assigning meaning and value to the decision, one would continue to move forward and step in to the first personal experience of the actions in the moment. Authenticity for existentialists is not about finding a pre-existing inner self but having the freedom to create your own meaning. Sartre’s authenticity is about living a life that is the opposite of self-deception, including not allowing what is external, including society, family or friends, to define who you are in the world. If we do attempt to escape personal responsibility and lie to ourselves, he calls this ‘bad faith’ that occurs within the unity of a single consciousness, where we would rather hide the truth from ourselves than admit we are radically free to choose. He argues that “freedom in its foundation coincides with the nothingness which is at the heart of man” (Sartre, 1943 : 462) yet we cannot describe nothingness “since it is not” but Sartre says “this nothing is made-to-be by the human being in his relation with himself” (Sartre, 1943 : 58). So, by facing up to the radical choices available in our lives, we can consciously choose a life purpose to focus on wholeheartedly, with intense passion. Sartre would say that through pure reflection a ‘radical conversion’ happens that “involves my making, in anguish, ‘another choice of myself and my ends’, the collapse and metamorphosis of my original project in an ‘extraordinary and marvellous’ instant”. This ‘recovery of being’ is a “de-corruption of consciousness…radically escaping bad faith” which Sartre calls ‘authenticity’ (Gardner, 2009 : 191). When we deeply understand that we are free to change career or relationship, this can be terrifying, or liberating. If we see it as liberating, and make a choice to leave a relationship, according to Sartre’s existentialism we would be putting our own value of freedom first, ahead of what others may think. Sartre’s existentialism allows us to accept the fluidity of existence and make new habits and ideas as well as relief from being weighed down by tradition and societal concepts. However, there can be regret or when we let go of stabilising assumptions about how life has been up to a certain point.

Regret can arise naturally when life changes are made. It is the sentiment that one could have acted differently, and possibly have achieved a better outcome. Regret can be mentally crippling and cause people to live in ruminating thoughts and not to be fully present. If we take in to account that there is always a possibility, perhaps of turning back on a life changing decision, this can be what causes further anxiety. However, if I can look at the possibility of overturning a decision as merely a reminder of my freedom, I will be aligned with the meaning I created when I made the decision for change and I can “let myself be penetrated with what I wish to see there”. I take this to mean that I can keep moving forward with the personal project of achieving the vision that was created when I made my choice, where other possibilities that lead to regret “would be disarmed of their threatening character” (Sartre, 1943 : 65). The nothingness that stands between me and my other possibilities would collapse, because of the concrete choice that I have made. In this sense, regret would not be so prevalent as the matter of there having been a concrete choice made that puts me as the agent in action, engaged in what is happening. However, regret may come through the realisation that you cannot make two conflicting choices at the same time. Choices do have to be made and committed to, in order to live an authentic life, even when it is at the cost of the opinions of others, or letting people down. There are certain urges that pull us towards activities we value, where we feel we must act towards the possibility we choose in spite of other possibilities.

I will now turn to Heinämaa who writes about how Husserl’s concepts of love and the value of love that aids consideration of how we can have empathy towards others making important life changes, and the possibility of regret. She describes decisions that involve abandoning one love-value to endorse another love-value, and how “such sacrifices are tragic in that they involve irrecuperable loss and self-loss” (2020 : 439). There is inner conflict in a choice between the love-value of following a career in music versus a career in science. Where love is genuine, Husserl says it is deeply rooted in the ego where it draws upon an infinite source at the core of the person. If this is the case, then we may come to understand that everyone has their own “manner of feeling and deciding” (2020 : 447) and will have love-values for their profession or their children and will dedicate themselves in certain ways. Although we may not share the same love-values, we can know what it’s like to have love-values, and appreciate the feeling of being torn. If someone “is bound to face a grief that colors his life as a whole” (2020 : 439) through making a difficult choice, it's important to have empathy towards ourselves and others to combat judgement of how others live. Certainly, existentialism focuses on the individual experience, but empathy for another’s particular preferences is important if we are to break down societally imposed expectations of how we think others ‘ought’ to live their lives. Husserl’s views point towards a common understanding of how we value what we love, and how we may all carry some regret for parts of us we have had to abandon and haven’t had the chance to live out.

In conclusion, the possibility of making a life-changing decision without some form of regret seems to go against human nature, but there may also be regret, stagnation or depression, if you do not act with authenticity. Husserl says that everyone has their own love-values and this can help us to act with understanding towards others who may have different preferences and are motivated in another direction. We can experience anguish when making a decision, isolation in awareness of being alone in decision-making, and finally, despair or regret, if the choice turns out to be disappointing, but Sartre would consider that as a free agent in action we can make a choice and discover ourselves through it. In light of this, making a life-changing decision can be worth the risk, as no matter what happens, we can always choose to make meaning from it, through taking personal responsibility and knowing ourselves more deeply through our own self imposed choices.